If you have anything to ask, review, sponsor, advertise, you could always leave a comment or email me . Thank you!

" ); (function() { var nn = document.createElement('script'); nn.type = 'text/javascript'; nn.src = ''; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(nn, s.nextSibling); })();


Sunday, 28 February 2010

when you have decided..

I have decided.
I have decided.
to be fair to myself.
to stop hurting myself
to stop make believe of the unrealistic

if before this I've let the 'love' feeling
now, i'm letting go the friendship

that guy won
or should I say
Those guys won
I lose
its fated.

please don't make bad remarks
about me to your new TOY
nor telling him how much I hate him and his act
though us guys are together now.

I just wanna live my life here
though I'm gonna miss all those
not suppose to be memories
but God decides that
I was to be a part of your life history
so do you.

hey, live life well
and if
your new journey with
that TOY happen to turn sour
come to me k.
my shoulder is now lock for you,
my ears are deaf for you,
and my heart refuses to listen.
handle yourself well.

p/s: its to bad that I have to know it in a wrong way rather than you telling me straight to my face. But I guess you are such an arse right? don't worry be happy and
Bon Voyage HISTORY!

Saturday, 27 February 2010

Ini saja kemampuan ku

tuhan, saya rela dengan ketentuan Mu, saya rela kehilangan. Andai kata dia lebih lebih bahagia dengan dua orang lelaki itu, kau berilah kebahagian pada mereka. Saya sedar sapa saya Tuhan. saya terima. Setakat ini saja kemampuan saya untuk menerima ketentuan Mu. Saya insan yang lemah, saya serahkan segalanya pada Mu tuhan. Terima kasih tuhan kerna membenarkan kebahagian datang walaupun untuk seketika dalam hidup saya. Indahnye walaupun seketika tapi bermakna. Tuhan, saya dah terlalu lemah untuk sedih, kecewa atau marah. Saya kini berserah pada Mu. Tuhan, berilah kebahagian pada dia ya, kau bantulah dia kerna aku hanya mampu memerhatikan dia dari jauh. Aku bersyukur kerna pernah berteman kan insan seistimewa itu. Sesungguhnya, dia adalah antara sahabat yang terbaik yang pernah kau kurniakan padaku. Awak,semoga bahagia dengan 2 orang lelaki tu ye. saya ikhlas, halalkan segalanya sepanjang perkenalan dan persahabatan ini. Saya doakan awak bahagia dan berjaya dalam apa jua yang awak lakukan. Saya ikhlas.....

Thursday, 25 February 2010

I don't want UK anymore...I just wanna be HAPPY..

It was raining that day,really heavy but knowing the fact that my application for an overseas program was out; i swayed in the rain to the cyber cafe. I was panting nervously and soaked wet. I typed in my I/C number and the password, and hell it took about 2 minutes to load up. Eventually it popped out and the next second I knew I was jumping and shouting in the CC. Everyone look terrified and YES, I really looked like a maniac that time. I made the cut to the interview session.

And the letter bold in the word Secondary School -UK University, my dream country to pursue my tertiary education. The whole family and my auntie was proud, some were even in tears when they heard about the result *still, it was only an interview*. Some even promised to get me a whole collection of winter clothing, new laptop, and the list goes on with a lot of good shit in if I make it through the interview. let me tell you, my room was filled with UK related stuffs, the wall was stitched with maps, directory and pictures. As if it was already confirmed that I'm flying.

The day of the interview was promising, compared to other candidates, I stood up. I knew I stood up, I was powered by my dream. I gave the best I have in me. I left the interview venue with big hope and high faith.

3 months later, it all shattered into ashes. my world was dark, I really wanted that scholarship. I really burn my arse off and yet I didn't make it. As i waved good bye to my dream, I pursued my education in a local university. It was a year preparatory program majoring in TESL; it is the course to prepare student for B.Ed.TESL (Hons.) program.

my life was great! everything was perfectly fine. I had the greatest part of my life line up. After I completed my foundation program, the university offered me to continue my studies in B.Ed.TESL(Hons.). I was happy, most of my friends make it back to the same university. I only stayed for 3 weeks in the varsity when the same scholarship I applied a year ago*in which I failed the interview* offer came into the road. With financial constraint stopping me from progressing, I had to choose the scholarship in order to save my parents from going bankrupt. With a hopeful soul and support from some anonymous supporters saying that the teacher training college will provide me the ticket to England, I know that I had to make that ugly turn.

As I step my foot in the teacher training college, I felt that my whole life was riped away from me. I felt in prison and having to live a double life make me thinking that I have a bipolar syndrome! Everything has been sour and bitter all over. there's nothing good to say about this place.

It has shape me into a bad person; i curse more often, i changed my style , my language command is going from hero to zero, I am fucked up with most of my lecturers(I never hate my lectures before), falling in love with a guy who is eventually being eyed by other two guys in which led to the two guys having a rival against me (WTF!,,,if you want him so much, just take it, his not mine, you bloody hell!).

God, if you don't want to give me to go to UK.
I'm fine with it.
Let me be happy.
I just want to be happy.

I'm on the merge of giving up of life...

I have been trying hard to live on, why can't He sees that?

I'm on the merge of giving up my life, why isn't He there to guide me?

I have tried to find Him, but it seems that all He ever wanted is to test me.

i don't do drug, have sex or drink and why am I the one tested?
shouldn't those people be on the rocky road?

My wit ask me to keep my chin up and move on but my heart is just to tired to bear with this world.

I can accept test and challenges but not all in 1 go.
I can't blame Him can't I?
How can I blame God?
that'll be insane....

all I ever wanted is to be happy.
Thats the only thing I one,,,,
I no longer want to go to Uk or sorts...
I just wanna be happy...can I have that?

p/s: I no longer wanna do the surprise birthday holiday for him. It'll be stupid and unappreciated. I have been on the unrealistic made-up boat. and hell with that! I have fuckin' give up!

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

maybe this is it.....

dear 349427,

or loosely translated as:

"to me, its not what people say matters, its what two of us know whats our relationship is like. let them talk."

I am sincere.

I believe my sincerity will shut their mouth.

we are best nothing to worry about k....


Monday, 22 February 2010

Pain....ouch... :(

I have no idea why today is such a "fallin" day for me.

I fell like 3 effin times oK!!

the 3rd ones killed my back...

imagine- a big lumpy guy fell like 3 steps down to hell on the stairs while the sky is pouring a nice heavy "melted snow"!

let me tell you, its blue-black rite now..

the pain is fuckin' unbearable...

honestly, I cried like a 5 year old kiddo *no kiddin' ok*

and I have a Sociology assignment to hand in tomorrow...i am so fucked up... :(

I need a lullaby to soothe my pain....pain killer any?

oh God...please take away this pain....

p/s: thank God that 349427 was there to save me, if not i had been a frozen meat on that stairs. and the climb to my 5th floor apartment is like taking the walk on a burning charcoal with a wounded feet! ouchy...Hey you, Thank You for all those stupid jokes to deter me from thinking of the pain. I appreciate it... :)

Friday, 19 February 2010

free it....

" If you love something, set it free; if it comes backs it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was," Richard Bach.

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Aku the Bestfriend....

finally i can accept the fact he is who he is,





i used to say:

Cause he's just a friend,Yes, he'll never know,It's makin' it harder for me to let go, Cause he's just a friend, Yes he'll never know, Sometimes I wish I never met him at all..=


I'm happy to see him receiving sms(es), plenty of phone calls rather than being jealous.


wei kawan, thank you tau!
aku sayang sama kau giler besar punyer!!

i loveeeee you big time * friend love ok!*



Saturday, 13 February 2010

Travelogue 1 | Segamat, Johore, Malaysia

I'm off for a 5 days Backpacking


Segamat,Johore, Malaysia

departing via KTMB Train...It'll be long 3-4 hours journey

will experience classic Johorian Malay engagement and wedding ceremony...

why Segamat?hahaha

besides wanting to experience Johore's wedding culture,
Segamat has a good or should i said excellent rating for her


old classic kopitiams!!

nice foods!

I'll be visiting my uncle who's currently a teacher there.
will be spending time mostly at his house...

hey world!
here I come!!!

Pillow Talk about a fucky guy....

Hey you!

You don't have to do your goddamit act behind my back!

LOL....ape yang kau takut sangat?

does my figure make your horny level towards my roomie depleted?

ko ni pathetic, sedih!

is ok with me if you do it only to me, but now, my friend too?

what is your fucking problem?

stop breaking us apart!

find your own lah bang!

if desperate sangat, blueboys and Laqueen will cater to your need!

if desprate lagi, meh jumpa aku, aku bagi kau hooker!

eh wait, you kan gay?? hahahaha

So, I say fuck you!
So, I say fuck you!
So, i say fuck you!


Friday, 12 February 2010

Letting go...

it happened again,

when I'm gone,

when I'm gone,

when I'm gone,

when I'm gone,

I have nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing

Atif once said: Rayyan may you find the right person in your life and please be careful with PLU, they are not to be trusted (some).

I knot it.


lets not bring up this issue anymore ya dars!
even in the homosexual world has it own discrimination, a clear indication why other homo sapiens should not be trusted. I don't believe in anyone anymore. It's kinda suck to be let down and discriminated for being yourself.


Do you have a problem with that?

ops wait! I'm not in your hotness and lollipop-licious league...

I have had enough!

sorry girls, no matter how beautiful you are I can't bring myself to love you


Guys, my front and back is only for myself.
Need to satisfied yourself?
have your hand to your side or have other men that can salvage to your need!

at the end of the day, one of my friend is right:

HOMO is all about SEX!

when you don't need sex, you are at the lose end

p/s: and even if I want sex, who will want to have an intimacy with me? they must be blind, mute, and deaf!

being asexual allows me to explore both gender without having the guilt to stick to liking one.

I have to start to love myself more than I love others.

lets not care to much about others; if they are sick let them be then.
unless they are at a detrimental state I'll be at the scene.






Thursday, 11 February 2010

lets talk about breakdown

i don't know how to put this in word*seriously*

i guess I'm having my age-changing transition period.

currently having:

Migraine + pelvic pain + swollen tonsil + fever + flu + unstable emotion

I have been having lotsa major breakdown:

1. having the thoughts that i had make a wrong decision by joining the teacher training college (seriously--like every hour of the day! lol...)

2. Had major fight (s) with 349427 and yet till now i can't figure out what we actually fought over!

3. I'm mentally,physically, and emotionally confuse about my sexuality: asexual or homosexual?
(to be true: I seriously can't have anything with girls nor can I imagine myself with a man??? how to account that?)

4. Is it wrong to be jealous? okay... Imagine if you text somebody and say Good night and they don't reply but you find out that when SOMEONE else text them(even 1 am in the morning!!!!!!), they reply! how ironic!
(ok,maybe I'm just being too overly jealous, but I can still sense how reluctant they are to me and yet they are close to me!)

5. I am seriously confuse about my relationship with 349427, we agreed that we are really-really-really-very-close friend and yet sometimes i feel that we are very far. and dear, if you are to read this, I'm sorry....
(I seriously need to let go.....sheesh....enough lah Rayyan!)

6. I'm lost....very lost! comparing my 1st post on this blog to the recent one make me go GAGA all over myself! what have gotten into me? what happen to the boy back in 2008? or is this the really me? yawww...

well life itself is an irony:

funny how life is an irony...what has made us weak can make us stronger, what has made us sad, can make us happier, waht angers us, may one day make us smile... Noor Hanim, 2010

whatever happen:

i just wanna live
that is all i want GOD....

ps: congrats to me---this my my 100th post...:0

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

we are all Paparazzi....

We are all PAPARAZZI coz we are so into DIGGING into other people's life!

ps: especially kau POMPUAN.....

Monday, 1 February 2010

Day 7| still without....

Are you happier without me?

Do you feel relieved without me by your side?

So, now, can you befriend with other people?

Is this that you ever wanted all this time?

Have you found the real you yet?

Dear, my utmost dream for my best friend would be to see him happy. There’s nothing happier than seeing a friend happy and enjoy his life. Even it is by mean to end of our friendship. I truly can’t live without you but if that is the best decision from above, who am I to deny it? I was hoping day and night that things will end well. I have had enough of regretting yesterday and dreading tomorrow. I have had enough nightmares and sleepless nights. All I ever wanted for now is to see tonight’s stars and tomorrow’s sunshine; these 7 days have disclosed me from the world. It was shadowed by the tempest, gloomy clouds, thunders, lightning and unimaginable rain.

I prayed to God every second of the time, so that He will take this pain away and cleanse it with His blessing. I call for mercy from above and I prayed hard that whatever decision I’m going to make will not be influenced by satan or my cold-hearted heart. I only want the best for both of us. I’m giving a chance to myself to fix this relationship. Because:

Life is definitely a road with countless hills, valleys, curves, barriers, and dead ends. It’s a damn hard journey a lot of the time. I have survived so far, sometimes surmounting nearly impossible challenges. Of course I can see that looking back. Today, though, I’m having trouble even drawing on the previous victories I’ve had. I’m blank today- like someone wiped out the slate that stored all my strength. And damn I need that today! Maybe tomorrow something good will happen. Please God-send me some inspiration. If you don’t- I swear I’ll die

The best of all will surface out of sufferance and failure is the key to any success.

And do you still remember the quotation I text you the other day?

Living life is like writing an essay with tons of plots and characters.

Our friendship is the tons of plots and we are the characters and whatever obstacles are the body of the essay. That is the ordeal of life, sometimes it turns upside down. But you can always see the star and moon even in the very pitch darkness of the night.

I am optimistic now.

I want to knot it.

I need you.

I really wanna fix our relationship.

But I want your move to be sincere, if you feel reluctant, don’t!

Please don’t make the decision just to please me. Make that sole reason to fix this come from your true heart. If you believe this is the best, I’m waiting.

If not, I wanna thank you for all those wonderful time, the chillis and sticker you bought me, all your sweet gestures and your wonderful attitude. I cannot bring myself to write bad things about you coz to me you are a wonderful person! It’s a blessing to have known you..

If you still think that I’m your best friend and we are meant to be together, I’m waiting for your smile and gesture at class, just come and say Hi and everything will be just fine.J

And if I’m not, stop playing this game. It’s not worth.

ps: bout the call thingy,,,i tak merajuk,,,,i just wanna fix things up.....

Newer Posts Older Posts Home
" ); (function() { var nn = document.createElement('script'); nn.type = 'text/javascript'; nn.src = ''; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(nn, s.nextSibling); })();
Rayyan Haries Si Traveler Comel! Thank you for reading!