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Sunday, 30 May 2010

5 more years

of bickering, bitching, hate and mute

Ya Allah, Guide me through...

I'm not here for camaraderie

I'm here for

B.Ed.TESL (Hons.)

*call me anti-optimism, I guess I have had enough off all these unbalances nature of the society. I'm swimming in pool full of crocodiles and perhaps sharks. I better save myself and locked myself in the protective cage. At least I'm protected from YOU, maybe HER or just THEM... I'm sorry I'm just human. I rest my case 7 feet under

Friday, 28 May 2010

I am pretty much lost...


What best about getting lost is what you found along the journey.

Thursday, 27 May 2010

the rain and cloud

Selama ini
Teman yang sejati
Buat menemani
Perjuangan suci

UNIC~ teman sejati

He is here already

They are here already

**keeping a thick hard fussy lost face.
I am no longer talking with him and mayber her or maybe them,if it is for good, InshaAllah, worth it!

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

too many to tell

I have too many satire to tell
I have too many parody to tell
I have too many epic to tell
I have too many tragedy to tell

too many till that I couldn't

too many till it can be a

too many too tell
yet to little time
yet too little too much courage
yet too much too little pain
to share

life is a recipe of
pickled pear
breeze air
too many till it

too many to tell
yet too many to spell
yet too many to dwell

I'm finding courage to spell the word


Sunway City... 57

Monday, 24 May 2010

This is for Dianza.... an unknown butterfly

read. digest. ponder

in life, there are roads,
choices to be made,
decision to be taken,
but at the end,
the mission and destination is the same.

if I've taken road A,
the laments are not the same if I've taken road B,
way different if I've taken road C,
But at the end,
I'll reach the same destination,
The final destination.
The Day of Judgement
The hereafter.

** Dianza, I'm dutifully sorry if my life somehow causes confusion in your life. Alhamdullilah, welcome to Islam. Embracing Islam I hope has answered all your doubts in life. I'm sorry that I don't portray what true Muslim supposed to lead his life, but I'm trying my best. Dianza, life is going to be hard, but we will stronger at broken place. InshaAllah, you'll be just fine. and I hope you'll pray for me too....

I'll leave it to Allah S.W.T.... I shall say no more!.

well said...well written. Impressive! I've had enough, let me tell you straight to your G.A.Y face- STOP BLAMING PEOPLE WHEN THEY FIGURED OUT THAT YOU USED THEM FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.... one fine day..... Allah will unveil those masks that you have been putting on! Allahuakbar! It's now rival for truth! InshaAllah, Allah knows....Allah knows.... be patience, you'll get back what you have done to me.... I'll give in but REMEMBER! You'll get back at The Day of Judgment....MashaAllah...seriously mengucap panjang aku pagi2 nih.....

Ya Allah, shall this rival prolong,
I seek guidance and protection against evil doings and slanders.

Ya Allah, shall this laments prolong,
I seek blessing and patience from You.

Ya Allah, shall this brake my heart and soul,
I seek protection from You against Satan and the bad side of myself.

Ya Allah, I forgive,
yet i can't forget,
Help me to go through this period.
InshaAllah, i'll be patience...
InshaAllah, I'll be patience...

Saturday, 22 May 2010

chosen.loosen.move on

"You can swallow your anger and throw it at that person, but you also have the choice to let it go"
Zachariah Aidin

let it go Rayyan
let it go Rayyan
let it go Rayyan

letting go is hard, but for your own good, worth every pence in this world.

verily after every difficulties, there's a relief [sura 94: verse 6]

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Versus~ It's hard to change

Conflict of interests. Literally and figuratively. Torn apart inside and out.Versus...The hardest battle is when you're against yourself. "(Hlovate, 2010)...and yes, changing is hard,but for good and better, worth all the time you have...InshaAllah.

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

off ground...I'm having a jetlag

there are things in life that is hard to let go:

there are past incidents that are still keeping me vegetated to my past,

there are people whom I hate that I have to deal with,

there are people who hate me that have to deal with me,




extended family...

** tah lah, saya rasa dah menyampah sangat dengan keadaan sekarang. Saya dah malas nak ambik tahu tapi Allah tetap tunjukkan bukti demi bukti tentang seseorang. Sungguh, saya dah tak kisah dia nak tidur atau peluk dengan orang yang rapat dengan saya. Mungkin ada sebaik-baik hikmah disebalik pengenalan saya dengan dia, semuanya ditentukan oleh Maha Esa. Mungkin ada yang tersimpan untuk saya, saya yakin dengan ketentuan Allah. Bukankah Allah memberi manusia pilihan untuk menentukan corak hidupnya, ini pilihan saya dan ini adalah antara cabaran-cabaran yang telah Allah sediakan untuk menguji saya. Saya yakin yang diri yang lemah ini mampu melalui semua dugaan Yang Maha Esa kerana itu janji Nya. Allah tidak akan menguji hambanya melampaui kemampuan hamba itu sendiri. Saya yakin dengan janji Allah.

Ya Allah,
from You I seek mercy, protection and blessing.
from You I seek guidance

Ya Allah,
guide me through this life,
guide me through this option that I've opted.


*** sorry for the very formal way of Malay language writing. Kinda rusty already, gosh! I need to brush up my Malay language writing skill...liewww....I rest my case.

Monday, 17 May 2010

KaK Khairyn Glasgow...a dedication... :D


Like you, there were times when I thought that can Allah loves me? Am I worthy of Allah's love? But know what? Allah does love me and you. We are too far away from Allah but Allah never leaves us. Allah is very near to us than ourselves. Remember, if we take a step closer to Allah, Allah will take 10 steps closer to us.

I know that you are strong but I pray you to be stronger. InsyaAllah, tanam tekad untuk berubah, ambil langkah untuk jadi yang lebih baik dan mohon pada Allah untuk dijemput jadi tetamuNya. Dan akak pasti, your experience will be sweeter. My du'a for you dear :)

April 18, 2010 7:01 PM

It has been 3 years since I was introduced to an iron lady named Khairyn Othman. The woman whom had inspired me to start up my own personal blog. It was her novel entitled Zahrah De tigris that sparked the power to keep me writing and achieving my dreams. Her words were there when I needed someone to tell me that this is not the end of the world...
She was there with her motivations. Though we are separated by continents, we talk with words...
She is indeed my inspiration.

To Kak Khairyn,
Thank you so much for being there.
Thank you for all your encouragements.
Thank you for all your supports.
and foremost Thank you
for your

** All the best for exam! btw, you are coming back for good this year aites sis? :D
*** I really wanna meet you in person... :D

this is what I DON'T NEED..capish? | 2nd installment

I don't need a friend who speaks English fluently to use him to enhance myself

I don't need a friend who knows how to run Photoshop to deal with the software

I don't need a friend with DSLR so he can capture photos of me

I don't need a friend with a motorcycle to drive me around

I don't need a friend to buy me Cakes or Donuts when I crave for it

I don't need a friend to blame about my sexuality, worries or breakdowns

I need a friend who is understanding
I need a friend who is reliable
I need a friend who is a FRIEND

Je suis un homme simple et compliqué
Je vis un vie simple

Je veux juste être heureux...

Sunday, 16 May 2010

I will be fine...

i walk,
through the path
through the water
through the fire
through the thunder
through rough rocky road...

I swim
I drown
I survived

I have make it through rough times..

I made choices...
I went against the tide
I walk under thunderstorm
I ate worm
I had cancer
I had brain tumor

I made it through
I made through
till the end

my final destination
only HIM
the Creator

The One and Only
Ya Allah Ya Rahman Ya Rahim...

it has been a journey
I made it through all...

I'm going to be fine.

** Hall 1...Flat 4...Room C...

it's still a long journey to endure...

Saturday, 15 May 2010

this is what I DON'T NEED..capish? [BEWARE: long and rebellious entree!]


I meant it!

Stop judging ME!

Stop retaliate ME!

Stop making me into some other person!

stop lurking into my underwear!

stop asking if I'm OK!

stop turning me into those shit arsehole GOVERNMENT servant!

stop pulling my leg...I know YOU meant all those stupid egocentric jokes!WTF

stop being so rhetoric!

and foremost~~~ STOP DOWNGRADING ME!

you mother fucker lecturer are trying your best to put me down rather than upgrading me??

now I wonder if IPG's teaching methodology is right?

Tell me, in which section of teaching permits discouragement in order to make a successful student?

stop from being such a mother fucker to me

what is wrong with all of you people??

I'm this for REAL!

Let me get this straight~~ I will never ever say this but I have to!

most of you teacher trainee are KAMPUNG or you are just some fake mother fucker who thinks that everything YOUR way is always right! WTF! grow up people!

the way I think, talk, walk, read, eat or even DRINK!

** And now I know why our education in Malaysia is still considered 3rd class, the teacher training sucks big time! and the dammit thing is that i'm stuck here with future unknown! Imagine if the degree produced by the teacher training institute is not qualified by MQA, how can I further my education?? Hey, I've a life long education to endure, degree is not a period!
And for now, I've totally lost faith in GOVERNMENT, Teachers Division, Ministry of Education, guys suck big time! this is pathetic!

*** call me rebel and out spoken, charge me or even kick me out of this institute or retract my scholarship BUT you'll never stop me from telling the world the truth about our education and our teacher training! Put me into ISA but I'll never give up to deliver the truth! and I believe Allah is here with me...Ya Allah, I'll leave it to your hand, You know the best.Ameen....tawakkal

**** Ya Allah, I have a lot of things on my mind right now. Please help to ease my life on Your earth. Ya Allah, things are rough here, I no longer know how much longer I can stand but remembering your promise in Al-Quran makes me strong. Ya Allah, forgive me...Ya Allah, I just wanna be happy. Thank You Ya Allah for listening...

Thursday, 13 May 2010

No matter how a relationship ends, be it between friends or lovers, the good times are never frowned upon.

Forever cherished.

**taken from a friend's blog...sincerely said...beautifully written...amazingly touching....*sob..sob

What kind of teacher i wanna be?

urm....OBVIOUSLY not the typical STRAIGHT teacher! [kidding! hahaha...]

Since I'm graduating in 5 years time with a B. Ed. TESL (Hons) in my pocket,

English is clearly a MAJOR..ain't gonna teach other bloody way Hozzay! papa say biggie NO!

English is like a religion of its own...
its a part of MY freaking LIFE...

Don't you GOVERMENT dare give me other subjects...*big time REMINDER...

I'm gonna be a rebellious English Teacher..hahaha

It was never the same,
but it was never different.
155pm...Student foyer

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

tragedy...tragedy...and more Macbeth..

i'm putting this "Chucky baby" to rest this very evening!

I've had enough of miseries because of this remarkable painful play in history of theater!

Tragedy of Macbeth or shall I say "MacDeath".i'm tired & sick of this thing,fyi, its our English Studies assignment, it has been a rough and stressful journey compared to everything that I have gone through in professional theater production. Back-stabbing, bitching, un-professionalism and bullying...that are the core of the Assignment actually! lets rest this "CHUCKY Crazy baby" to rest this evening!

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

I'm in The Platform

I'm in The Platform!

Showtime: 8pm
Date: 7th June 2010

Title: I wanna talk with Allah

** friends & loyal readers, do come and support me! Its the happiest day of my L.I.F.E!

*** I'm still looking for director to direct my play..interested? ;P

lets break a leg!

"You are a blessing
You have something in you.
You have talent"


We are not perfect

and most importantly


That's the best thing of being a human, God is there, the One and Only who understands you the best. He knows what is best for you. He knows how far you can go, strive or give up. He is testing you only up to your ability. That is Him, Allah S.W.T , our Creator, the master of the Earth and hereafter. The Teacher of all subjects. The One who listens no matter how good or how bad we are. The One who doesn't judge us, we are all equally in His eyes. And I believe that.

Ya Allah,
help me to go through this lament,
help me to put things right,
help me to be back on the path,

forgive all my sins,
my parent's,
my teacher's,
all human being.

Forgive me for being gay,
I know you understand tho nobody does in this world.
I submit myself to you.

I'm just human.
so,lets break a leg!
and live well.

**I want a simple life
*** I miss my life...the past...tell me i'm not living in it! :)

currently in love with...

The Land of Smiles -Kris Allen

Charcoal eyes
Fill this night
Hope they don't see through mine
And they're telling me I've gotta leave
But I don't, I wanna stay
There's so much more for me

In the land of smiles
In the land of smiles

Familiar faces fill my mind
Pray they don't leave with the tide
And I don't think they know
Oh, just what they've done
Deep within my soul

In the land of smiles
In the land of smiles

I close my eyes and I'm there
In that place, my skin is so fair compared
And as I lay here, I'm asking my dreams
To take me back to the place that I have seen

The land of smiles

the right decision...

"Sir, how do we know we are choosing the right decision?"

His answer "We will never know", he smiled and added, "but to be able to take risk and face your choice, is what make it the right decision". (Mahadi,2010)

Monday, 10 May 2010

I have a DREAM | TWO | to have a KISS again

it's not the KISS that matters...
it's more of the feelings that I HAD...

I miss those FEELINGS...

**the happiness, the weird and the lusty feelings...and most importantly...I miss his lips...and the way he kissed me...

simple + sweet

You have a reputation to handle
whereas here, I don't..

I've enough of complex life.
I just want a simple life.

** migraine again...pain again..but I've gain...positively..

o'l takes a life time to understand

"bon voyage ol' timber
ol' rusty timber down under the deep water
in well run down core earth
of water flow no longer
i'm just the ol' rusty timber
treated well by many while shinning
tantrum while drought
left when the well runs dry
but this ol' rusty timber
is still there..."

** 5.30 am....Hall 1....Flat 4(room c)
*** I'm takes a lifetime to be understand....

Sunday, 9 May 2010

I have a DREAM | ONE | To look like this

Unknown stranger~~but i really like his look....I so wanna be like him

Zac Efron latest image~~ I supposed...wink2

** I give myself approximately another 1. 5 years to be like I'll make sure boys fall under my feet! wakakaka ...wink2

Ibu kau lah ratu hati hatiku

I love you,

I care for you

*i miss u~~~ :')

Saturday, 8 May 2010

A Kiss is just A KISS...

I need to get over


** gosh....I can't stop smiling...every time I visualize about it~~~~ can I have another round with a hefty more time??? pretty please...He is a damn darn good kisser!

OK Rayyan Haries Aaron Davis:

It was just A KISS...
It was just A KISS...
It was just A KISS...


*** still can't stop smiling.... :))))))

Friday, 7 May 2010

snogging fregging kissing....


I did it!

the full frontal French Tongue to Tongue kissing...

for the first time in my life~ i did it. I was flabbergasted when He kissed me. I didn't expect it at all! I was just teasing him. It was the best 15 minutes of my life. I can't stop smiling ever since the kissing. It has given me the "X" factor to live on. And it has helped me to answer all those questions in my heart.. I just wanna say Thank you, I love you but I respect your decision. I know its hard for you, but i believe in you, you can leave this Homosexual world. But the KISS was not a mistake, it was a gift!

** I can't stop smiling...:))))))

Thursday, 6 May 2010

fruit of the day

"sometimes nothing is better than something." Amin Mokhtar

my version

"ALL the time nothing is better than something." Rayyan Haries

Sunday, 2 May 2010


walk me through the shore

during sunset and sunrise...

will you?

** excessive hormone...blame em'!

after taste

it was 2.49 am

we kissed
we make up

the after taste is still delirious, perpetual joy streaming down the tongue...endorphin boozing out volcanic-ly...just like the after taste of a good coffee

** call me weird but when he touched my hair; I feel secured, safe and loved. his hand was on my hair till he fell asleep. I did cried; a happy one.
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